Ben Taylor Fresh

Other names: Ben Taylor Sesh

BTB - Ben Taylor Bankrupt

Background

Benedict Taylor Fresh was born into this world shrouded in secrecy and mystery. He never knew his true father until the age of 12, when he accidentally heard the Angel Gabriel gossiping with Saint John about the disgrace of Pope Benedict XVI. Many people speculate on the reason Pope Benedict XVI resigned from the most important position in the Catholic Church. Some say Pope Benedict XVI was bribed, some say threatened, others say he had too much of Jesus' blood one night and made a huge drunken mistake. They are all wrong. The real reason he resigned is as follows:

Pop Benedict XVI forsook his sacred vows to God and the church and actually conceived a child, who he named after himself, with a young servant girl named Mary who used to sweep the halls of the Vatican between the hours of 5am and 3pm each day of the week (except Sundays of course). Being a radical pope, Benedict XVI was a fan of young females instead of young males (a trait also shared by M'O it would seem) however his eyesight was leaving him and one fateful night he didn't see that he'd somehow managed to break the holy condom. A month later when Mary discovered she was with child she confronted the Pope and his folly was revealed to him. In his despair and shame he knew he couldn't lead his church after committing such a blasphemy and retired to live out his days meditating in a cave somewhere in the Himalayas.

Conception

Just before Pope Benedict XVI's resignation he set up a trust fund for Mary and his son using funds from the Vatican's private account in Zurich and smuggled them into England charging one thing to Mary: keep his son safe and let him live a normal life. He chose a normal, boring surname for them to go under so as to protect them and said that Benedict should be known as just Ben. He then left the heavily pregnant Mary at a hospital in London. 3 days later out popped Ben Taylor in a burst of Havoc Induced Radiation and the world was never the same again. For a start the HIR was so powerful that it destroyed the hospital and everyone in it and Ben Taylor was then put up for adoption in a nearby orphanage.

Early Life

Ben Taylor took to a life of No Parents with aplomb; eschewing vegetables, offices and 5-a-day from a young age. His first word was "hoon" and his carers said that he never blinked for the first 6 years of his life. He was the life of the care home bringing such fun and joy to everyone that the carers refused to let any prospective parents in to see if they wanted to adopt him, a fact that Ben was very happy about. He wrote an autobiography by the age of 10 that no publisher would publish due to the fear that every other book written would fade into insignificance and no-one would read anything else.

Teens

By the time he was 13 Ben had managed to convince the banks that he was an adult and received his inheritance, which he then tripled in a month by investing heavily making him a multi-millionaire. With this money he secured himself a small house off the north coast of Cornwall and taught himself every A level going over the course of the next two years. in his spare time Ben liked to invent and he squandered away his money inventing contraptions and machines in an underground laboratory he crafted out of the bedrock underneath his house using only a small pickaxe and his forehead. Unfortunately Ben got so engrossed in his inventing that he didn't realise he was depleting his funds at an alarming rate until one day, when trying to purchase 300kg of superconducting metal to be used in his current time machine invention his bank account finally hit £0.00.

The Wandering

Cursing his stupidity Ben locked his underground laboratory, sold his house and lived off the funds it raised. He travelled with a gypsy family for a total of 6 weeks and 3 days, learning their ways before being kicked out for drinking their months supply of alcohol in one night. Homeless and penniless Ben wandered the highlands of Scotland for months, living off wild berries, stewed rabbit and discarded battered Mars Bars left by the local farmers after a heavy Saturday night. Until one day he was visited by the Angel Bob, a lesser known angel whose main job is to clean up the evidence after miracles go a bit awry.

The Prophecy

And Bob spake unto Ben thus: "For fuck sake Ben, get a grip. Deep inside you is the capacity to unleash a whole new level of havoc, banter and session unto this Earth, the likes that haven't been seen since Jesus found out that the human body is around 60% water, and all you're doing is living like a hobo feeling sorry for yourself. Now I can't really be arsed to help you unleash your inner powers and besides I'm pretty busy at the moment, turns out the 'in' miracle in heaven at the moment of curing lepers just turns them into leprechauns, however there is a club that can help you. Go to the Midlands to a university with a deceptive name for its actual location and listen for the cries of "does anybody like fun?!" at sports fair. Join them, they will teach you how to truly become all you can be." And with that Bob vanished leaving Ben to wander if those mushrooms he just ate were actually of the button variety. Still with nothing else to do he decided to heed the advice of the Angel Bob and scoured the Midlands for the place he must go to learn the true way of life...

Present Life

Ben discovered the unay in question and with the help of a crowbar broke his way into a house, logged onto UCAS and applied to the University of Warwick 5 times for 5 different types of engineering degree. He was accepted for all of them and continues to study each and every one, acing every test he is set. However he devotes most of his time to the club that it was prophecised he should join: Warwick Surf. On every tour and at every social he listens and takes mental notes (that he forgets by the morning) on how to truly embrace the religion, known only to a few outside of the club, of hoon. Some in the club say he shows great promise, others say that he should go on fewer family tours when Surf tours are happening, one thing is for sure he fits into the club so well it's almost as if he was born for it...

Currently known as the enigmatic Ben Taylor Sesh, after truly showing his commitment to the religion through acting as spreadsheet maker, and leaving his Febreeze at home.